Forever

You know, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the ways we should differ from the rest of the world. Not to be cliché, but… “In it, not of it.” Well. The more you try to do that, the more you realize that it is a lot easier said than done – essentially, because we simply cannot do anything on our own. But even the act of admitting that truth – that we are incapable – is something that requires an amount of humility, which we also (surprise, surprise) do not have on our own accord: we need God to step in and strip away everything else that “defines” us, and show us what is really inside… And we should actively seek this! We need the humility to ask for the humility that we don’t have. Ugh… that’s dizzying, isn’t it? Oh man… I’m going to move on before my brain implodes.

Well, before I got hung up on that, I was thinking about how living separately really rests on one fundamental truth that we have to strive to carry with us through every task, whether significant or menial. Rather, to ask God to impress on our hearts… We must not lose sight of eternity. That’s it. We must keep our eyes set on what is to come. For that is what our faith rests upon: the knowledge that this life is not, in fact, all that there is, and that we’ve horribly messed up since the beginning of our existence. We’re running in one direction, and in the midst of running, we look around and realize that oh, by the way, we’re actually going the wrong way, and we have been for a while (forever, actually) and we’ve been completely indifferent the entire time. We need a Savior! But even this is not something we are remotely capable of acknowledging on our own. Still, God, in His great mercy, reveals to us our own hearts, and gently picks us up and sets us apart; and that’s where we start living differently. We set our eyes on what is to come, unlike the rest of the world’s philosophy to “live in the moment.” Yes, we should indeed be aware and conscious of what is around us, ready and watching for opportunities to learn, and to teach. We are to be focused, but not oblivious.

If we simply look towards eternity, we are able to see everything else much more clearly. Paul describes it as running a race (1 Corinthians 9:24-27). We run in such a way as to get the prize. We keep our eyes set ahead, and suddenly everything else falls into place. The hurdles that seemed impossible now, suddenly, seem insignificant. The tasks that we are to accomplish, things in ourselves that we are to change, everything that once seemed so hard and painful… it seems such a small price to pay, because there is so much more! Wow, that’s an understatement.

Because I have been rescued from certain death, I can now look forward to eternity. I can anticipate with joy the life that awaits me. And because I can look forward to that, my simple worries of now, today, this year don’t matter nearly as much as I make them seem like they do. Because they don’t matter (rather, won’t matter), I can surrender them to Someone who can handle them much better than I could anyways. Yes... it's hard. Life gets in the way a lot of the time. Sometimes, I look around and find myself fighting back. But the wonder of it all is that my Redeemer looks at me with the same patience and love that He did four years ago when he first captured my heart. His unconditional love is just that... unconditional, unwavering, beautiful, patient, merciful, unfathomable. 

Titles Really Just Aren't My Thing.

So I had decided to get up at the obscene hour of 5:15 AM and drive accross the bridge to prayer group (on an empty tank, as it turns out, since gas stations aren't open at 6). I had to work at 11:15, and I was planning on being home by 8, since the group usually only goes an hour from what I heard. So as I was driving my old clunker, with its loose rear view mirror and missing side mirror, praying that I wouldn't run out of gas in the middle of Gandy, I was sort of anxious about my decision to go. I had been meaning to ask one of the ladies in our care group if she went or if she would go with me, just as a way to check it out for the first time. But since I hadn't exactly been planning on it, I hadn't done that, and so here I was, about to walk in to the church office by myself... I could just envision myself in a room full of nobody but the pastors and church leaders, all of them looking at my little teenage-girl self... I shook off the nervous thoughts as I drove accross the bridge and turned on some music. I got there at 6:30 on the nose, and kinda sat there for a few minutes, trying to collect my thoughts. I picked up my bible and walked into the office.

Pause: I realize that I'm telling this simple happening rather dramatically. Sorry. I always hated that when I would read like fictional short stories in Brio magazine or like other books from the Christian Bookstore. Whatevs. Y'all can deal with it.

So I walked in to the church offices, where I had been only once before during our church membership interviews, and was surprised to see a room full of people. There were faces I recognized, and some that I didn't. Some parents of friends, my youth pastor, people I work with in Children's Ministry... Needless to say, I was the youngest by close to 10 years, but it sort of didn't matter anymore. The fact that I interact with many of these people on a regular basis just made it easier, I guess. And the good-natured atmosphere was so welcoming and refreshing in and of itself. These people were all engaged in such genuine fellowship, despite the hour. I was glad I had come, but I had no idea what kind of healing, fulfillment, and encouragement God was going to bring during the next few hours.

We began the prayer meeting shortly thereafter, and it was just amazing. You could totally tell how open everyone was being, and how sincere their thanksgiving and requests were. I don't know what I had expected, but the prayer time was so genuine and honest, and open. We were all united in a common purpose: to seek our Lord and Savior in prayer and petition, each of us sacrificing sleep and time in order to do so. People prayed for so many things, I couldn't even begin to name them. During the next hour, I noticed something about myself. My heart, slowly and surely, was beginning to soften. I thought, 'Wait a second! It's not like I'm opposed to the gospel or anything! I'm living my life for Christ, right? That's why I'm here! Why is this feeling of surrender coming? Haven't I already done that?' But with each prayer, each reading of scripture, it was these walls I had built up without realizing it were being broken down, brick by brick. Someone read a Psalm about God's comfort. Another blow. "Yes, but are you finding your comfort in Me?" Someone else thanked God for His grace and love, and that even though our hearts become cold and familiar with the Gospel, He never gives up on us. "Are you too familiar with My story? Do you recognize what I do for you daily?" Somebody read from 1 Peter 2, about how our purpose is to proclaim God's name and His excellencies to the world. "Do you remember daily that this is your purpose? Do you strive for it? Do you want it above all else?"  After about an hour, we wrapped it up and people started to leave. I think I sat there for a few minutes, awestruck by the humbled state I had entered. It was all kind of a blur, and I can't explain it fully... but I remember thinking about how awesome it was that God had worked so much in such a small amount of time, when I didn't even realize I needed it. I chatted for a little bit, but I was kind of out of it... but somehow, I ended up staying with two of the younger adults from the group. We talked for at least two hours, about everything that was just going on in our lives, encouraging one another. I couldn't believe it. God still wasn't done, I guess :). I'm not going to recap everything we talked about, but one of the main things I walked away with was the fact that I really didn't have a choice not  to go tell the world about Jesus. But it wasn't like in times past, where I was sort of guilted into admitting that I was supposed to wittness. It was like "Okay, this is the most joyful thing in my life, the most important thing, and it's available to everyone. I want people to know!" When something makes you happy, you talk about it. It's human nature. So why is it different with Christ? It shouldn't be. It should be quite the opposite, actually.

God is still working on my heart. He's still revealing things about myself to me. He's breaking down walls that I never knew were there. But I guess that just goes to show that He knows me far better than I know myself. So why would I not trust Him? That's another way my life is looking different. When you trust someone, and they tell you to do something, you don't ask why. You just do it. When you TRULY trust the person, that is. So when God tells me to do something, I'm just doing it. I'm not asking why, I'm not saying, "well okay but..." I'm just going full force, no looking back, because I know that He wants the best for my life. And, more importantly, I live for Him, so it really doesn't matter what's best for me.

And so that's the really long version of what's been happening. And I feel like I rambled kind of a lot. But that tends to happen when I sit down to write, but don't know exactly what I'm going to talk about. But I hope it makes sense. And I hope that through it, you get a glimpse of how wonderful and marvelous my God is.

I hate titles.

After experiencing a "revelation" of sorts, I was just thinking about the events of the past few months that led me to the glorious peace I now feel. It has been one of those really busy times, where things were neglected - more specifically, my walk with God. Caught up in stress and decisions, I didn't seek my Father when I needed Him the most. But, in His ever-present faithfulness, He used people and circumstances, as well as His holy word to draw me back to Himself. But my thoughts on this Monday morning were not on God's faithfulness, though I am ever thankful for it. I was trying to determine why I had come back again, why I suddenly desired to praise Him always, to read and study His word. Why? Becasue I know it holds value, Because I've seen what happens when I don't? Because it feels good? Yes, we are to be radically and crazily obsessed with the One who conquored death, who loves us beyond description. But these things should be the things that I am transfixed upon: Who God is, what He has done, and continues to do daily in my life.

I think that, when experiencing a sort of spiritual high, it is important to reflect on why we strive to grow closer to Him. Though it is impossible to fathom at times, we need reminders of this. Of the fact that it is actually He who draws us closer, not us who achieve a feeling of peace and joy. Feelings are a result of a previous action -- in this case, God's action of calling. We need to remember that it is He who called us, and respond accordingly.

So, after realizing this (or, should I say, God showing it to me), I know that this is why I pray. This is why I seek Him. This is why I spend time with Him. I am making a feeble and weak attempt to express my overwhelming gratitude towards Him fo what He did 2000 years ago, and for what He did on Wednesday when He took hold of my heart and drew me back agian. Though my act of thankfulness could never amount to anything, He accepts it (and me) with open arms, every time, because of His abundant, consuming, and sovereign grace.