Old and new.
Music- does bring people together
but it also means different things to different people
And it is so incredibly precious to me
Provides such comfort and space and understanding
when people fall short
And expression, for when my own words fail me.
Moving forward to find ways of continuing to incorporate music into my daily life- (and intention)
Maybe not in the traditional/instinctive sense that performers and composers use
My outlet will inevitably be different
But I take pride in my uniqueness
Accepting and embracing that I am one-of-a-kind
Allowing and cultivating opportunities for musical/spiritual encounters to be my own
I love my perspective and intrigue- and the likelihood that I’m alone in my awestruck wonder or any other emotion, etc. It’s something that can feel incredibly lonely at times - wishing I had a kindred spirit floating along on my same wavelength and our wonderstruck brainwaves becoming intertwined
But I guess that’s not something I can look for, or even need. I recognize it in my self (and I’ll recognize it in the reflection of self in someone else, if they’re out there) and I am whole and complete in my oneness.
This extends to the rest of my awe/knowing/peace/cherish moments. That feeling in me and around me that I’m always trying to identify and remain in, that I know can be found through certain things. Music is one of many expressions of that. It’s a way of capturing (but not containing) and documenting... the same with colors and smells and warmth. (novemberish 2018)
//
There are some people who are chameleons (myself, too, at times)
Projecting and absorbing our own expression of self based on who we’re with
And the setting/place/environment
To peel back the layers and let the core of who you are shine through
Spending time alone allows this, and meditating, reflecting, absorbing
It’s a different process
Allowing you to live your truth
Because I am radiant and vibrant
(from within) without having to put up reflective barriers and express the light of others.
Your own light is more than enough (summer 2019)
//
I am an entire universe wrapped into a tiny little spark of a body. I have infinite possibilities and passions and loves within me. You could spend a lifetime and more and it would always be an adventure. Always discovering. And — it’s but a secret desire of my heart — that I hope someone somewhere sees the expanse within me, and has what it takes plus the intrigue to stick around. I’ll never ask. But I hope they will. And is that so wrong, to want someone to choose me every day? Not out of empty loyalty and commitment that’s dead in the eyes, but out of a zest for adventure and pure elation for our precious love?
Is that really so selfish? No- because if you choose to go, then I won't stop you. I don’t want that.
But if you choose to stay, day after day... we could truly create beauty and majesty (july 12, 2019)
//
You don’t have to figure it out today.
Don’t need the answers right this instant.
Dreamer, Believer,
When have you ever accepted defeat?
you don’t need to recoil
That isn’t you
You’ve come so far
Everything will be made clearer in its time
What shall we fear? We are more than conquerors...
/
You know definitively what you don’t want,
And some of what you do
And the path forward will come with clarity
Desires will surface
Stay with the things that make you grounded
The threads that make you, you
That provide self-identity and discovery and assurance
Because they will carry you
Through much greater storms than these (july 30, 2019)
//
You don’t know —
You don’t live in my body
I have plenty of inspiration and resolve
(Enough to carry me through more than you could ever imagine)
Just because my momentum doesn’t look like yours doesn’t mean it’s not churning, preparing for my voyage, nor does it give you the right to impart/impose your incredibly one-sided “wisdom” onto the blank canvas that is, The Rest
You really aren’t the only one who’s got it figured out. Nor do you really.
Your big dreams are in reality, so small.
No wonder they’re easier to draw lines around and contain
I don’t know exactly what you think of me, but I know you vastly underestimate me. I know you have no concept of what I’ve done until now. I know you think I could be doing more. Trust me, I’m far more aware of my own potential than you, who doesn’t know me or my dreams.
If you want to be irrelevant to me, you’re on the fast track
Because that’s where people end up who give unsolicited advice and criticism without having a key to the inner circle.
I shouldn’t constantly be on the defensive which is how I feel these days. Having to defend my position, and say “no look, it really is okay that I’m here right now...”
{Awakened souls have no place among those with lifeless eyes} (august 4, 2019)
//
I was triggered by a soldiers’ homecoming getting off the plane, welcomed home by crowds of people. Moms. An old TSA guy who was probably a vet. They were cheering and clapping and it made me sick to my stomach.
Please don’t misrepresent that. Those moments are distractions from the true face of the beast. Those wearing the uniform will store those moments away to get them through things that their conscience could be protesting, subconscious discontent and even disdain for the things they’re doing, giving their lives for, seen people die for. Another form of ugly indoctrination, to give the public something to get behind and keep pushing them along.
Leaving, I feel a mixture of peace and longing. I feel like I’ve breathed in serenity and drank my fill of the vast expanse — to hold me over until I make it back. Wherever “back” or “there” is. I feel so sure that there is healing there - I could feel it, in my gut and in my bones. In the mountains, with air to breathe, nature to be awestruck by. I feel the pull on my soul back to the open, and we won’t stop until we're united again. My body and spirit cradled by and intertwined with that space.
I’m lightly anxiously anticipating going back — hoping I can take this home with me, stay burning, and not be snuffed out and smothered by the thick blanket layers of work and the past and people with sharp claws. The heaviness awaits, but for now, ~but for now~ I am alone above the clouds, with nothing but my words and my music and Thoreau, and nobody can touch me. (august 25)