This Old Love

You have searched me and known me. (Psalm 139:1)

How wonderful it is that He knows me! While I’m here, trying not only to get through today, but also remain in Him, and fight for joy, and figure out who I am as I’m about to embark on the next chapter in my book. He knows me. He knows what makes me unique and whole, better than I know myself. When I long for my closest friends to understand me, and then quickly realize that I don’t even understand myself. He already does. With one glance his eyes pierce through to the deepest and darkest corners of my heart, and illuminates them.

…But this is also terrifying. There is so much in my heart that I am ashamed of. And He sees it clearly. The discontent, the pride, the unrest. When I want absolutely nothing to do with Him. When the world calls out, and I answer. When I’m flighty and easily distracted by things that have no place in my heart.

You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same.

Not begrudgingly, because you kind of have to since you’re God and all. Not as a second thought, after you welcome all the “good” people. You love me, who I am right now. Not under the condition that I finally get my head out of my ass. You love me before I even have the chance to come and express my gratitude, or flippantly brush it off – whichever my wayward heart decides to do that day.
But that’s the point. It’s not dependent on anything. I’ve heard the story a thousand times. But recently, I’ve come to listen to it differently.

“I dare you to trust that I love you just as you are, not as you should be. (Because none of us are as we should be.)”

Once my heart truly heard those words… I can’t explain the rush of joy that flooded in. But also, the sorrow for misconstruing it in my head all this time. That love… that wild, relentless, mysterious, crazy love… it’s completely unfathomable.

“Once you come to experience the love of Jesus Christ, nothing else in the world will seem beautiful or desirable.” – The Ragamuffin Gospel

This is my desire for each of you. Experience the love of Jesus. Incidentally, we have a place where you can do just that. You don’t have to travel on some crazy journey to “find” God. Just show up… he’ll meet you where you are.

If you’re looking for a place of love and acceptance and maybe just for a big hug, come to Pioneer. If you’re looking for renewal and a refreshing glimpse at the Love which used to captivate you, this place is for you. If you don’t know what you need, but you think that this can’t really hurt, give it a shot. If you think this is sounds cool for me but honestly a little crazy, come and prove me right. Because it is crazy. Friend, I assure you… the Love of God is madness!

~L'amour de Dieu est folie~

More than a Story

I got a tattoo yesterday.

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship." - Lousia May Alcott, Little Women

I used to be afraid of storms: the future ones and the damage from the past ones. The wreckage still stares me in the face because no one has cleaned it up. I think God offered, but I just gave Him a sad smile, and said, "How will anyone ever remember this tragedy if we don't have the rubble to stare us in the face every day?" I refused to let go, to forgive myself since He has forgiven me... to truly rest in the grace and peace of redemption. Never mind the fact that He wants me to keep moving. Anyways, I've realized: these storms, my scars, they make me imperfect and they make me "me." They are beautiful, because flaws and imperfections are beautiful. So now, I'm not afraid of the storms that are coming. They make me who I am. I will not be broken beyond repair, because of the One who carries me, and loves me, and forgives me, and rebuilds me. And cleans up my messes. He never goes away. And I am stronger and wiser (eventually) and more equipped to love Him and others because of all the shit I've been through. So, no. I'm not afraid of the storms anymore. Not the aftermath of the ones from yesterday, or the ones that are on the horizon. I'm learning this whole "life" thing, and my storms make me human. And it's beautiful.

The reason it's a tattoo is kind of similar. Yes, "my body is a temple." But some church buildings have graffiti on them, and God still abides there. Someone was telling me that it's like a three-year-old coloring on Picasso's paintings with a crayon. Our skin is beautiful, it's a creation. Why would we ruin perfection? But... that's not me. I have scars. And I don't want them to just be on the inside. I don't want to be fooling anyone, normal and flawless on the outside, but tattered on the inside. I want to be transparent. I want to be physically imperfect. And especially, I want to love my physical "imperfection" the way that God loves me, with all my blemishes. He loves me with my flaws. And I want my body to represent that.

So that's it. That's why it's permanently going on my body, penetrating my skin with the needles the way that the Spirit penetrates my heart, "with groanings too deep for words." It's so much more than a story. More than pretty words on paper about how God rescued me.

Because... it isn't pretty. It's actually really, really messy. And ugly. And definitely not a "one and done" deal. The words on my body stay there, reminding me. Even when the pain subsides, the words are still there. "Remember where you were. Remember what He did. Remember His love - in spite of your weakness."

There is a Disconnect

...between an emphasis on the law, and on love. Both are important, yes, but the extreme of either is dangerous.

Pharisees focused on the law, and it hindered their ability to love others, or even accept who Jesus was. Then there's the progressive, modern view that accepts everyone, no matter what... including their sins, without ever giving biblical counsel. "Loving" unconditionally turns into accepting their sins - which isn't conducive either.

The law is important.. but so is love? How do I truly love someone, seeing them as my neighbor and how Jesus did - forgiven - without overlooking the importance of the calling to a holy life? What does this apply to?

I think its that loving others comes first, because Jesus set the example on that one. If we truly love them, maybe we can show them what the Bible says about sin and a holy life, but God is the one who convicts, not us. We can be honest with them, but condemning or convicting is not something that is our job, or should come in the way of our love for them.

In the gospels, if I'm not mistaken, those who come to Jesus had already felt the sting of conviction. Jesus didn't look at them and say, "You're a dirty, rotten, ugly sinner, and you're lost without me so you'd better come running!" No. He said, "Your sins are forgiven." They already knew that He was their only hope. They already knew they were wrong. Jesus simply loved.

So what do we do? Sit here waiting for the broken to come to us? Pray fervently for God's judgement to rain down so that people get scared into turning to Christ? Hang out with sinners so they know that we're not too self-righteous? First of all, the Pharisees said, "He eats with sinners and tax collectors." Jesus said, "I eat with friends."

I don't know what we're supposed to do. I don't have the answer. I do think it takes a lot of prayer, though. And I think that we need to focus on our own 'holiness,' both individually and within the church, and to befriend others - to show love. We (I) need to trust that God will take care of everything, will show us when to speak, and when to embrace.

"God judges. The Holy Spirit convicts. We are to love. Too many Christians try to do all three." - Billy Graham



End: Doesn't it all go back to trust? Do I trust that the Holy Spirit will do the work in their heart, without me shouting out commentary on the sidelines? My job is to love. To be the body of Christ.

To read a more thoroughly articulated post on the sentiments I express here, see this article, "In Search of a Better Gospel," by Micah J. Murray.

Rebuilt

I give, and I take away.

What I have the power to take, I also have the power to give back. That doesn't mean that I will. Just live what you believe: in My sovereignty.

If I hadn't taken this, you wouldn't see the situation for what it really is. Trust Me.

I love you. I want the best life possible for you. I want you to wrestle with questions instead of being pressured into feeling like you should have the answers. I want you to go into battle with the idea of who I Am, and come out stronger on the other side.

The time will come. I have heard your prayer. Let go of your timing. Let it go. It would have sucked anyway.

You are lost. you need me. You 'know' the right answer in your head, which makes it easier to arrive at your heart. But in the end, I do that anyway, so 'easy' is arbitrary.

Please just trust me.

Learn to do that.
Learn about yourself.
Learn about others.
Learn about Me!

You won't ever get this time back. Ever. This is your discovery time. Embrace it, pursue Me. Let me use you in others' lives, and I will do the same for you.

Don't get caught up in the misconception that there is no 'end goal.' The end goal is eternity, with Me. Not in this life. You won't find it here. You'll always have questions, more questions... and they will bring you closer to Me. They will mold you. They will create you.

Uncertainty is not bad. I welcome your doubts, your fears. I Am your Answer, I Am your Courage, I Am your Comfort.

I Am.

I never let you go.
I have redeemed you.
I have come for you.

Inspire

I sometimes get this sense of urgency when I think about how disconnected we are. When we hear that word, most people think that it's referring to the world - as in, we're disconnected from the world around us, due to the fast-paced nature of society, the pull of technology, and other sorts of the similar. But lately, I've felt as though most of us are actually disconnected from ourselves. We don't spend enough time in thought, or in full consciousness, being aware of the beautiful world around us.

Now, I'm not going onto this whole "be in tune with yourself and follow your heart to find true peace" thing. I think that a lot of people use that particular sentiment as a substitute for pursuing God. I don't claim to be fully in-tune with Him, but I do feel as though, if each of us is made uniquely in his image, we have a responsibility to embrace that. Embrace humanity, embrace individuality - because it is one of the many gifts given to us by our Creator. And, in all things, remember that He knows us better than we know ourselves. He is constantly molding and shaping us into a purer version of ourselves, to be perfected in eternity... and I don't want to waste any part of my life and graze over who exactly it is that He is making me.

I don't know what form this will take or how I will accomplish it exactly. I have a few ideas, but all I know for sure is that these past two years have flown by, and I can't remember to what end I have worked so hard. Basically, I don't want to waste life. I want to invest in the people around me, embrace myself, and pursue God. And while I know that only He can give me the power and resolve to do that, I do have a few things on my mind that I think everyone, especially me, should aim to include as part of their self-discovery/molding process.

Here's a few for the immediate present, and I'll add more later.

Reading. I love reading, and I almost never do it. It has partly to do with my schedule now, but I've made time recently, and I don't know why I didn't make adjustments sooner. I'm talking about classics, memoirs, adventure, scholarly articles, short stories, historical fiction (and nonfiction), works from other cultures, everything. I have a huge stack of books here (and an even larger one at home) of books on my "list." Reading stimulates your creative side, and challenges your beliefs. It enables you to consider other points of view (for example, the antiwar novel my sister gave me for my birthday... doesn't exactly align with my worldview, but I'm reading it to understand the minds of others). I think I can make time to read once a day, even if it's just a few pages.

Being outside. It's beautiful... any kind of weather is beautiful. Even right now, when it almost never gets above freezing and the sun doesn't come out for months. I miss sunshine, and I don't have to make an argument for being outside when the weather is nice, but even if it isn't, it still smells fresh, and makes snuggling up with a big blanket and a cup of hot tea that much more soothing when I get back inside.

Writing old-fashioned letters. I don't really have a texting problem, because I get bored (haha), but I want to write more letters. Writing helps me to really think about what I'm trying to communicate to the person (who I probably haven't seen in a while and deserves my undivided attention instead of whatever half-hearted message I would send otherwise), and it requires focus. In the age of the internet and technology, our attention spans are dwindling (I'll do another post on this later), and this, along with everything else here, can help to combat that.

And that's all for now... it may seem simple or strange or maybe even typical - I don't want this to be another get-off-the-computer-and-go-do-something post. But it's a start for me, and hopefully for you.

Also, here's a song my roommate showed me this morning that made me feel inspired and ambitious. Enjoy :)

Guns

Here's some stuff I've stumbled across recently. I don't think that there's a right or wrong answer to this issue; I know that I have an opinion about it, but everyone's opinion will be different based on the encounters that they've had and the things they have experienced. For those who have this decision in their hands, it is their job to come to a conclusion about it. For the rest of us, it's important to form our own definite opinion based on personal beliefs, and to be able to think critically and listen openly to the opinions of others.

Here, a man who's children were directly affected by the Sandy Hook incident advocates for his own right to keep his guns - and let others in his town do the same.

Additionally, here's an article about the worst school-wide massacre in American records (that turned out to be only half as deadly as it should have been, due to plan malfunctions).

I know what I believe, but I'm genuinely curious about other people's opinions and why they have them.

Also - was anyone else a bit disturbed by the use of the Sandy Hook kids during the Super Bowl, to evoke nation-wide emotion and gain viewers for the media? Disguised as an act of kindness and opportunity to young children who had been through life-changing, traumatizing circumstances? Just my initial reaction.

Mercy

There's been so much sadness and hatred going around lately, especially up here where cynicism is at its finest. In a matter of days, we've heard about the Sandy shooting where almost 20 little children were murdered, and also, found out that Westboro Baptist Church is going to be picketing at the gate in January.

Yes, both of these events are horrible things to hear about and it's unfathomable to us how they occur. Yes, my initial reaction is to want to give them a piece of my mind, just like everyone else.

But ultimately, they just break my heart. Because the families who lost their children are going to be having a very different Christmas than I will. I honestly can't imagine what they are going through, and tears that I shed have no comparison to the grief that they feel. The ones in WBC... I sorrow for them as well, because they have no love. Their actions are not rooted in love. They have no idea what they are doing.

Sometimes I just look up and scream, how could this happen?! How could they do this? Any of them?

But then I remember that the same could be said about me. The many times I've not acted in love, or turned away from the One who gives me the capacity to have such love.

He died for them too. He died for the children and their families. He died for the shooters. He died for the lost people who completely miss the point of what He did for them and claim to be of Him.

Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.

And be with those who are affected by these horrible events, and give them grace to eventually see past it.