i lost count of my "fresh starts" but this one feels different

*Dec. 12*

In 5 days I turn 24... in 19 days we turn 2018. 
To say “new year, new me” would be cliche and a vast understatement. I am deciding who I want to be each day, just as each day, I play a direct role in making the world what I want it to be. 

I’m listening to window panes rattle and I’m both terrified and entranced. I’ve been waiting for this moment, and now, at 1:30 in the morning, it’s here.
My voice.
It’s here. 

I’m learning to build what isn’t yet, and to regenerate where it’s needed. We are all artists in the world, painting on the sky’s canvas, sculpting from the earth’s clay. What will we create?

If I am art, and god is the artist, she’s handed me the brush and urged me towards freedom. “My darling, made after my image, but so uniquely yourself... I can’t wait to see what you make, how you’ll finish what I started.”

I want to let go of everything in order to receive everything.
Peace, freedom, bliss...
3 breathtaking things that you don’t realize you were missing until you have them.
So can any of us accuse each other of masochism when all we’ve known is the shackles?
Even though we hold the key, if the chains blend into our arms and legs, how would we ever realize that there is a key to begin with?

For so many instances, we have things forced on us and taken away from us by people who either think they know best for us, or only know what they themselves want.
Sometimes, when faced with a true opportunity of choice, the freedom paralyzes us.
We don’t realize how seldom we have it, so when we do, we freeze.
My indecisive nature is not really me, but am extension of my discomfort with limitless opportunity.
What do I want for lunch? I’m so used to being told what to eat, or having limited options, or defaulting to someone else. But it’s just me. Why does my head start spinning? Why does my breath get slightly shallow? It’s lunch... it happens every day... and I can’t decide. Why? 

With decisions, I’m always second-guessing, and asking for the opinions of others.
Because I don’t want to regret something. I don’t want to choose wrong. But what if the choice isn’t the issue, but regret is?
I say “what if”, but I know.
We make decisions with the information we have from our own direct experience, and not the counsel of others. And if this is the case, there is no room for regret, only growth and progress.
Move forward. Embrace. Be. 

If these windows break, I’m going to go lay in the shattered glass and pretend it’s sand and ocean swirling around, indistinguishable, intertwined.
Both one and infinite.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~