Basil Year Musings

Old and new.

Music- does bring people together

but it also means different things to different people

And it is so incredibly precious to me

Provides such comfort and space and understanding

     when people fall short

And expression, for when my own words fail me.

Moving forward to find ways of continuing to incorporate music into my daily life- (and intention)

Maybe not in the traditional/instinctive sense that performers and composers use

My outlet will inevitably be different

But I take pride in my uniqueness

Accepting and embracing that I am one-of-a-kind

Allowing and cultivating opportunities for musical/spiritual encounters to be my own

I love my perspective and intrigue- and the likelihood that I’m alone in my awestruck wonder or any other emotion, etc. It’s something that can feel incredibly lonely at times - wishing I had a kindred spirit floating along on my same wavelength and our wonderstruck brainwaves becoming intertwined

But I guess that’s not something I can look for, or even need. I recognize it in my self (and I’ll recognize it in the reflection of self in someone else, if they’re out there) and I am whole and complete in my oneness.

This extends to the rest of my awe/knowing/peace/cherish moments. That feeling in me and around me that I’m always trying to identify and remain in, that I know can be found through certain things. Music is one of many expressions of that. It’s a way of capturing (but not containing) and documenting... the same with colors and smells and warmth.     (novemberish 2018)

 //

There are some people who are chameleons (myself, too, at times)

Projecting and absorbing our own expression of self based on who we’re with

And the setting/place/environment

To peel back the layers and let the core of who you are shine through

Spending time alone allows this, and meditating, reflecting, absorbing

It’s a different process

Allowing you to live your truth

Because I am radiant and vibrant 

       (from within) without having to put up reflective barriers and express the light of others.

               Your own light is more than enough                 (summer 2019)

//

I am an entire universe wrapped into a tiny little spark of a body. I have infinite possibilities and passions and loves within me. You could spend a lifetime and more and it would always be an adventure. Always discovering. And — it’s but a secret desire of my heart — that I hope someone somewhere sees the expanse within me, and has what it takes plus the intrigue to stick around. I’ll never ask. But I hope they will. And is that so wrong, to want someone to choose me every day? Not out of empty loyalty and commitment that’s dead in the eyes, but out of a zest for adventure and pure elation for our precious love?

Is that really so selfish? No- because if you choose to go, then I won't stop you. I don’t want that. 

But if you choose to stay, day after day... we could truly create beauty and majesty       (july 12, 2019)

//

You don’t have to figure it out today.

Don’t need the answers right this instant.

Dreamer, Believer,

When have you ever accepted defeat?

you don’t need to recoil

That isn’t you 

You’ve come so far

Everything will be made clearer in its time

What shall we fear? We are more than conquerors...

/

You know definitively what you don’t want,

And some of what you do

And the path forward will come with clarity

Desires will surface

Stay with the things that make you grounded

The threads that make you, you

That provide self-identity and discovery and assurance

Because they will carry you

Through much greater storms than these                                    (july 30, 2019)

//

You don’t know —

You don’t live in my body

I have plenty of inspiration and resolve

(Enough to carry me through more than you could ever imagine)

Just because my momentum doesn’t look like yours doesn’t mean it’s not churning, preparing for my voyage, nor does it give you the right to impart/impose your incredibly one-sided “wisdom” onto the blank canvas that is,   The Rest 

You really aren’t the only one who’s got it figured out. Nor do you really.

Your big dreams are in reality, so small.

No wonder they’re easier to draw lines around and contain

I don’t know exactly what you think of me, but I know you vastly underestimate me. I know you have no concept of what I’ve done until now. I know you think I could be doing more. Trust me, I’m far more aware of my own potential than you, who doesn’t know me or my dreams.

If you want to be irrelevant to me, you’re on the fast track

Because that’s where people end up who give unsolicited advice and criticism without having a key to the inner circle.

I shouldn’t constantly be on the defensive which is how I feel these days. Having to defend my position, and say “no look, it really is okay that I’m here right now...”

{Awakened souls have no place among those with lifeless eyes}              (august 4, 2019)  

//

I was triggered by a soldiers’ homecoming getting off the plane, welcomed home by crowds of people. Moms. An old TSA guy who was probably a vet. They were cheering and clapping and it made me sick to my stomach.

Please don’t misrepresent that. Those moments are distractions from the true face of the beast. Those wearing the uniform will store those moments away to get them through things that their conscience could be protesting, subconscious discontent and even disdain for the things they’re doing, giving their lives for, seen people die for. Another form of ugly indoctrination, to give the public something to get behind and keep pushing them along.

Leaving, I feel a mixture of peace and longing. I feel like I’ve breathed in serenity and drank my fill of the vast expanse — to hold me over until I make it back. Wherever “back” or “there” is. I feel so sure that there is healing there - I could feel it, in my gut and in my bones. In the mountains, with air to breathe, nature to be awestruck by. I feel the pull on my soul back to the open, and we won’t stop until we're united again. My body and spirit cradled by and intertwined with that space. 

I’m lightly anxiously anticipating going back — hoping I can take this home with me, stay burning, and not be snuffed out and smothered by the thick blanket layers of work and the past and people with sharp claws. The heaviness awaits, but for now, ~but for now~  I am alone above the clouds, with nothing but my words and my music and Thoreau, and nobody can touch me.           (august 25) 

Porch light

How do you know when you’ve made it?
What a silly question.
You know the answer to that.
Part of it is that you’ve never really. Made it...
You’re always moving in a direction, the direction...
But the contentedness that slips in sometimes,
engulfs you, blankets you...
That’s “making it,” too.
But that one’s funny because it’s not somewhere you can arrive at.

You can climb the mountain or spend the day on the water or bask in the sunshine for hours, and not feel it in your heart. You can search for it, and lots of times it won’t be there.
And then sometimes you can be in a coffee shop or a train station or in a cluttered room with too much to do and not enough time and realize it’s there, too. Right next to you, helping you calm the sea so that you can pluck out the words. Or around you, covering you with one of those gravity blanket things that calm you down and quiet your mind.
(Lots of times, I catch glimpses of it in smells and sounds. Two of my favorite ways of drinking everything in.)

You can only do your part to make it welcome, and it will come,
When it’s truly meant to.

So - peace, tranquility, contentment...
You are always welcome.
In case you didn’t know.

Against the Grain

Hey guys. If you're here, you probably know me personally and stumbled into this snapshot of my tangled, web of a mind thanks to social media, one way or another. I'm glad you're here. I've actually had this blog for years now, and though I add to it only occasionally, I keep it because for me, it's cool to see the progression of my beliefs and ideas throughout the years. I rarely share it, because in some ways, I don't feel the need to. If someone is supposed to find it, they will (or my words have been lost in the endless void, which is totally cool, because writing is a process and the fact that what's on here is only a snippet of the whole picture is part of that process as well...) Anyways, I've been wanting to articulate a lot of this for some time, and just get it out there: for me, to gift myself the opportunity and space to speak; for my friends, to answer some questions; and for You, whoever you are, who looks a lot like a past Me, finding themself in a scary, uncertain time where nothing makes sense and you know what you need to do and you're both so certain and scared shitless because literally no one is going to understand and you're going to be on this lonely island of weird that's just filled with questions and demands that you just can't answer, even though you KNOW. Which, I'm here to assure you, you're not actually alone there and I promise you'll find your people, and until then, you'll keep yourself company. And it's okay.

A series of traumatic and otherwise painful events in my personal life, in the lives of those close to me, and that I've observed in the world around me has lead me to adopt a mindset and practice of being anti-violence. We could debate the existence of Just Wars, and whether the evil actions of one justify the violent reaction of another, but that is not the purpose of this. My intention right now is to share my own personal convictions that have manifested and have emerged from within during the past 3.5 particularly turbulent and unstable years of my life: that I cannot, in good conscience, be a force that invokes pain and suffering on another being. I am still in the process of determining what exactly that looks like going forward, what I will do with these convictions, how I will speak out about these things which to me, are so apparent and compelling... but for now, I am certain about a few things.

In a tangible, personal application of my convictions, I have chosen to adopt a vegetarian/vegan diet whenever possible. I've stopped eating meat completely, and I've made it to a point to discontinue the consumption of animal byproducts as well, though this is much more difficult and not always available to me. Every day is different, but the common strain is that I refuse to take any part in a practice that is objectively and inherently violent (regardless of whether or not it "matters" or is of consequence, similar to whether or not wars/violence is okay sometimes. I will not participate, for my own sake and, I believe, for others' as well. It is a clear, intentional way for me to put into practice what I have grown to emphatically believe.

Also side note, lets be real, cheese has been insanely hard to cut out completely... which is what a lot of people say in response to the vegan thing: "OMG I could NeVeErRrRrrrrrrrr give up CHEEEEEEESE" which honestly, I get it. Cheese awakens parts of your taste buds and senses that you didn't even know existed. It's like, the erotica of foods. But the dairy industry is so inhumane and violent, some say even more so than seafood. This is getting into those kind of still fuzzy areas, but I can assure you that I'm doing the best that I can.

I've been vegetarian for over a year now, since before Thanksgiving of last year -- 2017. This is the time when I was in the peak of the ill effects of all the violent, traumatic, and otherwise shitty things that happened to me. This is when I put my foot down and said "no."

No -- I won't consciously cause pain to anyone else.
No -- I won't continue to contribute in any way to an organization that uses violent force to accomplish its objectives.
No -- I won't entertain any kind of justification of these things, to include spiritual ones.
No -- you can't just take what you want, at others' expense.
No -- I won't eat dead animals.
It goes on...

This is why I haven't publicly shared anything about this decision until now, because for me, it isn't a simple, single issue (and yet in some ways, it is). It's intertwined through so many other things, was influenced by multiple other factors. But it's something that I get asked about somewhat regularly, and though the other fragments of my convictions and growth and worldview seem to adapt/grow/evolve daily in some way or another, this is something that has been, and always will remain, certain. It's something that has brought me fulfillment and peace, that has proved meaningful. It's something that really doesn't concern anyone but me (though you'd think otherwise if I compiled the countless comments of offense or annoyance or insult that I've received from both friends and strangers upon mentioning my dietary and lifestyle choices,) and isn't up for discussion. This is about me, and taking the opportunity to share something that I do as part of my decision to pursue a more fulfilling, mindful approach to life.

Regardless of your own beliefs or opinions regarding this matter, I invite you to take part in a celebration of the fact that I've found a way to grow from painful experiences. That somehow, my response to pain and suffering has found its way to being something positive and edifying, thought had potential to manifest as destructive decisions instead. I've found my silver lining, and this ins proof. I've discovered things within myself to cling to, during times of misfortune and suffering. I've found my way back from the abyss of existential, consuming dread -- though that itself wasn't pretty and I doubted if I would. Some of you who are/were close to me probably doubted if I'd make it, too. But I did, and this is just one way I've found that I can choose good. And for that, I rejoice.

the years

Coming up on a year
Since I walked out of one turbulent season into another
(maybe, probably, more so)
One year ago I was in Clarksville ((ready for parole))
Married, preparing to leave the Army
  -- the home that turned on me --
About to move to New York and start my life with my best friend, my partner, my should-be soulmate
Also having lunch with another kindred friend
Both wrestling insanity
Seeing reflections of each other
Realizing my lover was in another universe
And my friend was cast from the very light that I was
 ~ sharing breath ~
And baring my heart to her, not knowing she'd soon turn on me too
How little I knew
I breathed too soon
thought I was safe
didn't know i'd be running
for eleven more months

//

Two years
I slept on an air mattress that only lasted two nights before my cat scratched it and it never stayed full
I stayed in bed all day eating pizza, homemade cookies in my first very own kitchen, and watching Brave
How fitting - I'd need every ounce of that
once the pussy-grabber shocked us all and took that stage
Devastated, talking to the man who would become my world for a salty-sweet time
Not knowing then that soon, we'd find everything we needed in each other to stay afloat
I couldn't have done it without you
And yet
Being with you made me forget everything I knew
that had brought me here
The greatest of contrasts

//

I've always been a storm
Sometimes it's the good kind
that brings refreshment and renewal
New life, and hope
and calm afterwards, peace
But sometimes I spin out
Gathering energy, more and faster
every second
losing control
These last two years have each been their own kind of storm, different conditions. Maybe this time it'll be the steady kind. Maybe I'll grow and move forward and remain.

The First Three Months

This is a very important post for me, because I think its the beginning of something that's been crushed down inside me for a while. Barely existing, and yet pulsing - writhing - trying to escape. It's also important because I usually only write when I know exactly what I'm trying to say, when I have the conclusion already in mind, when I feel adequate to be heard. And none of those things are true right now. All I have to go off of is a feeling, one that's unmistakable but also kind of hard to identify. I'm full of disappointment, and hurt, and hopelessness. Anxiety, listlessness. I feel let down by just about everyone, but even more so, by myself. I have no direction, no spark. And it sucks, because this was supposed to be my time, my season. I feel like I'm holding my breath, that this can't possibly be what I'm destined to live with for the rest of my life. That this, too, shall pass. But I've already toyed with the line between disappointment and despair, and it's so, so easy to become immersed in that. To feel suffocated and immobilized, like those dreams where you're trying to run but you physically can't make your limbs move because you feel like you're under water.

And I honestly don't understand. I told myself for so long that everything would be better once I was free. I didn't think it would be gone, but I thought I'd be able to handle it. And then, barely weeks after I took my first breath of free air, I nearly lost the will to go on. I'd never felt agony like that before. But it wasn't acute, it was endless. I couldn't remember what it was like to not feel that crushing pain in my chest, the world around me going dark. That was my reality. And nobody in the entire world knew what it was like to feel like I did. I didn't want to feel better, I just wanted to feel nothing. But it wasn't like normal pain, where you can identify it's location and cause. It was me. I didn't know what it was like to exist outside of that. And even after those death hours when I stepped outside, just hours before 2018, I knew it wasn't gone. I kept saying things like, "Wow, I almost didn't make it to this year!" and "It's so weird, I feel like that was a completely different person back there." But what I really meant was, this isn't me. I didn't make it to this year, because the real me is still lying on the bathroom floor. I don't recognize this body walking around. I don't believe any of the words she's saying. She isn't real. I'm not real.

Sometimes I look around and wonder where everyone went. But then, if I can't recognize myself, how could I expect anyone else to? How could I blame them? I'm not providing anything to anyone right now. I don't qualify as a friend. I'm a charity case. I'm torn between releasing myself from people who don't serve me, who don't have my best interests at heart, and condemning myself for daring to have higher standards because I'm a shit person myself. How can I expect grace and care and patience and empathy from others, when who knows how many people feel abandoned or betrayed by me? Because when I left myself, I left them too. I probably deserve this.

How selfish can you be? You really think this is worth sulking about? How many people out there have it worse than you do, both in their heads and on the outside? How much self pity are you going to be consumed with before you do us all a favor and just leave?

I was supposed to be rediscovering myself. Redefining myself. Becoming a new, confident, fearless person who wasn't afraid to stare shit down. I was supposed to be in the mountains right now. Shouting from their peaks with no one to tell me to be quiet, no shame in making a scene.

I was starting from scratch, but I was ready. I knew then that I was a different person already, or at least becoming one. And I had just a few people who saw me for who I was becoming, recognized that light shining through this rough shell. Were ready to see me break through, and fly. It was all I needed. Then I blinked, and they were gone. And I watched as my body crumbled to pieces and felt the weight of a million heartbreaks.

I don't know where I am. I must be hiding somewhere. Most of me, anyway. There must be just a tiny bit of me left in my body for me to be writing this. Don't be surprised if it's gone after this. Every day is a toss-up. Is it going to be the numb kind, or the frantic kind? I know it doesn't have to be like this. I can get help. That was the plan all along. But it's like I'm immobilized. I can't even get out of bed some days. How the hell am I supposed to make it into someone's office? Why is the world like this? We all have enough things that are killing us from the inside. Why do we have to cause more chaos around us?

So many questions, churning around in my head. All at once. I know I don't have to answer them. They're big questions. But what am I supposed to do, ignore them? Pretend they don't exist? When those questions are things like, how many more kids and black people are going to die before we do something? The parents who bury their children don't get to ignore that question. Or, what's the point in fighting for a better world when we're all going to die anyways? I can pretend as long as I want, but the end's going to come eventually.

Maybe one day, I'll actually look back on this and not recognize the person who wrote it. But I feel like the likely outcome, best case scenario, is that she's always here, but just not the dominant one. I'll be able to occupy her a little at a time while I move forward.

mosaic

I.

When she feels halfway gone

When the music seems to pierce through

her skin and muscle and bone instead of 

     flowing through her blood like water, pulsing

When she longs for the sun but when light

     touches her skin she screams and writhes in agony

And with everything she has she wants to will it

     out of her body

     spill like air

     become one with the atmosphere

     evaporate

My skin is wet tissue paper

One touch and it's torn to pieces

My walls are not titanium

     or even clay

They are the most delicate butterfly wing

It's mesmerizing I know

And please don't get too close

Because the slightest breath

And it's shredded before your eyes

And you are now

One Who Shattered A Masterpiece

and she exists

as nothing more than fibers

now tell me why anyone

would even bother

when she can be swept up with dust

and scattered

II.

So you see

the most impervious barrier of all

is one so d e l i c ate

That pure rays of light would fracture it, so 

No one bothers to even see it

They look straight through it

And how can you break

through a wall

When you don't even

know it

exists

i lost count of my "fresh starts" but this one feels different

*Dec. 12*

In 5 days I turn 24... in 19 days we turn 2018. 
To say “new year, new me” would be cliche and a vast understatement. I am deciding who I want to be each day, just as each day, I play a direct role in making the world what I want it to be. 

I’m listening to window panes rattle and I’m both terrified and entranced. I’ve been waiting for this moment, and now, at 1:30 in the morning, it’s here.
My voice.
It’s here. 

I’m learning to build what isn’t yet, and to regenerate where it’s needed. We are all artists in the world, painting on the sky’s canvas, sculpting from the earth’s clay. What will we create?

If I am art, and god is the artist, she’s handed me the brush and urged me towards freedom. “My darling, made after my image, but so uniquely yourself... I can’t wait to see what you make, how you’ll finish what I started.”

I want to let go of everything in order to receive everything.
Peace, freedom, bliss...
3 breathtaking things that you don’t realize you were missing until you have them.
So can any of us accuse each other of masochism when all we’ve known is the shackles?
Even though we hold the key, if the chains blend into our arms and legs, how would we ever realize that there is a key to begin with?

For so many instances, we have things forced on us and taken away from us by people who either think they know best for us, or only know what they themselves want.
Sometimes, when faced with a true opportunity of choice, the freedom paralyzes us.
We don’t realize how seldom we have it, so when we do, we freeze.
My indecisive nature is not really me, but am extension of my discomfort with limitless opportunity.
What do I want for lunch? I’m so used to being told what to eat, or having limited options, or defaulting to someone else. But it’s just me. Why does my head start spinning? Why does my breath get slightly shallow? It’s lunch... it happens every day... and I can’t decide. Why? 

With decisions, I’m always second-guessing, and asking for the opinions of others.
Because I don’t want to regret something. I don’t want to choose wrong. But what if the choice isn’t the issue, but regret is?
I say “what if”, but I know.
We make decisions with the information we have from our own direct experience, and not the counsel of others. And if this is the case, there is no room for regret, only growth and progress.
Move forward. Embrace. Be. 

If these windows break, I’m going to go lay in the shattered glass and pretend it’s sand and ocean swirling around, indistinguishable, intertwined.
Both one and infinite.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Uganda - June 23

We did another clinic today. There was a precious little boy with malaria and a 105 degree fever. 84 people tested positive for malaria, actually. He could barely walk, he was so weak. When they gave him the malaria shot, he cried - but as soon as the needle came out, he stopped because he was so fatigued. And even when he was crying, he didn't make any movements to struggle. They hooked him up to an IV bag that they hung to a window with a latex glove that they used to tie it. Eventually, he fell asleep, on the ground, for like six hours. I just wanted to sit there and hold him. When I got back, I thought - I should have prayed with him and his grandmother. How could I not think of that?

Oh, my heart. Less of me, more of You. I need you every day. Every hour. I need to fill myself with You. With Your love. I need Your joy and the thankfulness for those things I do have. I feel like I was more emotionally moved by the things these people go through before I came, when these things were unimaginable. Now that I've seen it all - now that it's been made real for me - I still need Jesus to give me His heart for these people. I guess I'm learning that no matter where we are, we need Him. Coming here and seeing it doesn't solve the problem. I find myself thinking, "if only people could see this! Then they would understand and have perspective." But sadly, that's not true. They wouldn't necessarily feel that compassion and love for these children. They might get it, and be a little more grateful, but likely in a "I'm glad I have what I do" kind of way. We need Jesus.

What does that look like? How do we wake up each morning and remember to surrender everything at the start of the day and have Him fill us up throughout the rest? How do we let go, and let Him move? I need that time with Him. I need to be in constant prayer. God, remind me. Remind me to give it all away, because You gave it all for me. And the only way anything I can do or say is worth anything, is if all of me is filled by You. Show me Your heart, what you would do for the world. For each of these people. How you can make beautiful things out of what we see as broken.

Uganda - June 18

On our 3rd full day in Uganda, we visited a home for children with mental and physical disabilities. In most African countries, children like these are seen as a burden, unwanted, and often thought to be a curse on the family. But here, I met so many joyful souls. I saw so many carefree smiles, children dancing because they were excited to have us there just to spend time with them and love on them. The ones who could walk were pushing the wheelchairs of the ones who couldn't. I was blown away at how happy they were to care for one another.

Three sisters stole my heart that day. Their names were Samal, Amali, and Misilah, and they were 10, 8, and 5 years old. They had no arms - some sort of birth defect probably caused by drugs that the mother took during pregnancy. I talked to Amali the most - she spoke English wonderfully and had the cutest accent. And all 3 of their smiles were the most radiant I have ever seen. Oh my goodness. I just talked and played with them for pretty much the whole time we were there. Amali couldn't walk, so she had a wheelchair, and at one point her sister walked over and just sat on top of her in the chair because she got tired of standing. They were so tiny. I'll never forget seeing her bend completely over so that her tiny fingers (that came directly out of her arm socket) could reach the seat as she seemed to be searching for something. I asked her what she was looking for, and in her little voice, she said "my sweet!" which meant the lollipop I had given her. My heart melted. (One of about 15 times that day.) Then hearing their squeals of laughter while we blew bubbles in their face and they all but flung their bodies to try to reach them. So I picked up Amali and helped her chase the bubbles. Before I put her down, I touched her forehead to mine and told her that Jesus loves her, praying silently that she would know this truth in her heart as she grows up.

I also talked to a girl named Phiona, who was 21. It seemed to brighten her face to find out that I am just 22. She asked me, "Are there children like this in your country?" <3 <3 Yes, Phiona. Just like this. Except they don't have 150 of their closest friends to play with each day.

I've spent some time with disabled kids before, and they've always held a special place in my heart. But something that I can't quite put my finger on was different about these children. Maybe it was the way they helped each other, maybe it was the fearlessness and gleefulness with which they flung themselves into our arms. I feel like this is how Jesus wants us to approach him. Joyfully stumbling toward Him as fast as our sometimes crippled legs will take us.

They also found it hilarious that their tongues were blue from the lollipops :)

God is teaching me so much about myself, about His love for me, and His heart for the world. Of course, His heart breaks for it. He sees the pain and abandonment in these kids' pasts, and He grieves for them and with them. But love conquers all and endures all things. He is able to restore what is lost, and heal what is broken. Where we fall short, His grace abounds all the more. And our pain never becomes too much for Him. And I know that the joy that I saw in these children's eyes was a little bit of Jesus shining through.

The Now

Don't look back at what happened
or what could have been.
Look at what is, and what will be -
what has been promised.

I am loved.
I am forgiven.
I am redeemed.
He is victorious.

He
has already
won.

Everything
from before this exact moment,
before right now as God
intertwines His heart with mine
is irrelevant.

But God, being rich in mercy,
is increasingly
wonderfully
relevant.
This is what is, this
is what He has promised.
He has defeated death and sin, and

He
is coming back
for me.

Uganda - June 16

I am so sorry that I have not updated sooner. I've been settling in to my post-graduation life, and it's been fast and furious. Plus I've had computer problems. But today, Sunday, I had the wonderful opportunity to just reflect and rest and be. And of course my trip to Uganda was fresh on my mind (even though its hard to believe that I've been back for a month already). And oh, the memories are sweet! Here is one of my first journal entries from my time there.

Wow. Uganda. I'm in love with this place. It's so incredible. The biggest thing right now is trying to have a "Mary" heart in a "Martha" environment. It's easy to get caught up in doing, and somewhat difficult to be bale to take a step back and just love on these kids, to recognize Jesus in a situation, to gaze upon His face. But I know that it is my heart that is important, and that all my "doing" will just follow.

Some of the people on my team were talking about how faith without works is dead. And I always hate how I feel like people use it to justify focusing and placing emphasis on works. On how we look. On how we appear to others. Of course, there is truth in the verse. But I just see so many heart problems that go unnoticed (or are excused) in the wake of all the things that we think we are doing "right," that I get frustrated when people use this verse. Anyways, when it was read tonight, I immediately thought of the great Work that Jesus did on the cross. How that out-pour of love on the world was what saved us, and is the reason we live and have hope. How me saying "it doesn't matter what I do, as long as I know that I have faith" is the same thing as Jesus sitting up in heaven saying "wow, I love them so much - I sure hope they find their way to me" and keeping that love to Himself. It was his act of love, overflowing from His heart, that changed the world. It doesn't do any good if the objects of His love don't know that it's there, and it doesn't do Him any good if our faith doesn't radically change our hearts and our lives. Of course, God can see our hearts at any given moment and knows our motives, so to focus on anything besides our hearts isn't fooling Him.
See my heart. Bare it. Continue to restore it and cleanse it and redeem it.

We went to the Akiba Home for children with cancer in Kampala (the capital of Uganda) on our first full day here. The first thing I realized is that I don't know any Luganda (the language in Uganda) and that it's at first kind of hard to love on children without being able to talk, but then I also figured out how: the eyes. They are so expressive and raw. This one little girl - probably about 14, but very small - exchanged a half eye-roll/half hidden smile with me when Sherry started singing "bye bye children, bye bye children, may God bless you!" It was like, we both weren't buying it. It was awesome. And I learned that a smile is so much more than teeth. It's the soul and the eyes shining.

The next day, we did our fist medical clinic in a Sudanese village outside Kampala. Everyone else thought this was the hardest clinic because it was so disorganized and the kids were so rowdy and energetic... and it was. But I loved it. I played with the kids and had this one little boy come and sit on my lap for a good half hour while I handed out de-worming pills. All the other kids kept coming back for more biscuits (what they call cookies), but he was just wanting to spend time with us. After that, I went outside and played with the kids for a few hours. We sang songs, I tried to unsuccessfully to teach them how to play duck-duck-goose, and they thought it was hilarious because I could pick up four of them at once. At one point, about ten of them lifted me up and started to carry me away! Literally. I'll never forget their delighted squeals of laughter.

These days were perfect. Until next time. Great things He hath done.

Saying Yes

The Lord has been working on my heart for quite some time. Looking back, I realize that He has been prodding me and giving me experiences and lessons to grow from, to make me stronger in my faith. I’ve seen little glimpses and reflections of the change that was slowly occurring, but it wasn’t until recently – within the past few months – that He honestly worked a miracle on my heart and showed me how hard and callous it had become. Very suddenly, I felt as though up to this point, everything in my spiritual life that I used to call “faith” and “worship” was simply dull and stagnant in comparison to the unspeakable joy and gratefulness and adoration that I feel now. After truly encountering the great love of Jesus, I had no interest in the things that used to hold my attention captive. I wanted Him, and only Him to continue to fill me up. The overflow of this love in my life is also staggering: I now comprehend in a new light what it means to be able to love Jesus, and others, only because He loves me infinitely. (1John 4:19) He loves me in this moment, just as He loved me last year when I essentially turned my back on Him and chose instead a life of worldly, temporary gratifications. When it was my sin that put Him on the cross, his love never faltered for one second. He loves me now, just as I am, not as I should be.

Since I’ve grasped this, He’s taken every opportunity available to remind me – and I’ve taken every opportunity to listen. I’m enthralled by Him, and I want nothing else. Brennan Manning wrote, “Once you come to experience the love of Jesus Christ, nothing else in the world will seem beautiful or desirable.” And the more I open my heart to His love and His word, the more He keeps pounding home messages He’s probably been sending my way for quite some time. One of these came when I was sitting in church with two very dear friends, listening to a sermon about money and what it means to give to God our first and our best – because He has given us His first and His best. Immediately, I thought about Africa. I had thought about travelling there on several occasions in the past few years, but always wrote it off as just another dream of mine. After all, I didn’t have the time or the money... except at that moment, I knew in my heart that those were just excuses. If it is His will, He would provide the time and the finances; He would open the door. It is only up to me to act, knowing that He will make everything clear in His time. I had no idea at the time where I would go, or where to even research for an opportunity. But I just knew that I had to start somewhere.

So, one thing led to another, and I found myself using a search engine given to me by the USMA Chaplains’ office, hoping that something would come up. I instantly found several organizations that had trips that fit in the dates I was available. I reached out to about ten of them, hoping to hear back from one or two. I heard back from all of them within a matter of hours. One ministry in particular, Loving One by One, caught my attention. I read about their mission trips to Uganda and the different ministries that they contribute to, and I fell in love with it. I prayed about it, not wanting to blindly latch on to the first organization that I found. But soon, after talking about it with my mom and the two friends who encouraged me to pursue the trip in the first place, I remembered that God had led me to seek these opportunities in the first place, and orchestrated everything to His plan. Again, I trusted that if He didn’t want this specific trip to happen, He would close the door. It blew wide open. I applied, and was accepted, and I am continually astounded as everything comes together.

I cannot wait to pour out the love of Christ into the people of another country. I sincerely mean that. I think that in America, we are so content with our life of comfort and accessibility that the severe poverty of countries like Uganda becomes conceptual. This unimaginable neglect that billions of people live in has been reduced to a statistic. In our comfortable lives where we have everything we could possibly want or need within our attainable grasp, we are numb to it. But Jesus is not. He loves each of the individual human beings in the world with the same fervent, relentless love that He loves me. That love that would not let me go, holds on to them too. And now, simply because I am saying "yes" to Him - 

YES, I believe that you love me.

YES, I believe that you never stopped.

YES, Your love is overflowing.

- I now have the amazing opportunity to be the actual hands and feet of Jesus. During these two weeks, I will assist in medical clinics in slums and orphanages. I will visit and pray for children in the largest hospital in Uganda. I will care for and love on the elderly in an elderly home. I will love and spend time with children who have cancer, as well as former teenage prostitutes in a recovery home... and so much more. I get to do these things. Just thinking about it shakes my soul, because the Lord has given me His heart for the world. He is showing me a glimpse of what He sees when He looks at His children. And the astounding thing is, as much as I feel this in my heart, I know that God's love for us is so much greater than I could ever comprehend. Our God is able to do so much more than we could ever dream of asking (Ephesians 3:17-20). He will change lives, including mine. He already has.

As I encountered the very real hurdle of the financial cost, my heart consistently rested on this: I am confident that the Lord will provide for my every need. I am reminded of Paul and his letter to the church in Philippi. Thanking them for their sincere and abundant giving, he writes, “How I praise the Lord that you are concerned for me… Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret if living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” (4:10-13). I’m also really excited because I can definitely see this kind of short-term trip being something that I commit to in the future. During the next season in my life that is about to begin, I’ll be able to set aside money and plan for these trips financially, which is such a wonderful opportunity.

I hesitated to write this, because I really do not want any of this to come across as boastful. I think that ultimately, God wants us to experience Him, to become aware of His love. He does this in different ways to different people. And none of what I wrote here is anything that I have achieved on my own. I did not set out to become a selfless person (and I'm really not, if it sounds like it). This whole trip is something that is completely out of my comfort zone. After all, it took me years to finally say yes to it! But the more I am aware of my weaknesses and fall on the Lord, the more He gives me the desire for the things of His heart, and following the Holy Spirit becomes intuitive. If you want to know more about the transformation that occurred in my life, or if you have any questions or anything at all, I’d love to hear from you.

You are loved by the King and by me!

This Old Love

You have searched me and known me. (Psalm 139:1)

How wonderful it is that He knows me! While I’m here, trying not only to get through today, but also remain in Him, and fight for joy, and figure out who I am as I’m about to embark on the next chapter in my book. He knows me. He knows what makes me unique and whole, better than I know myself. When I long for my closest friends to understand me, and then quickly realize that I don’t even understand myself. He already does. With one glance his eyes pierce through to the deepest and darkest corners of my heart, and illuminates them.

…But this is also terrifying. There is so much in my heart that I am ashamed of. And He sees it clearly. The discontent, the pride, the unrest. When I want absolutely nothing to do with Him. When the world calls out, and I answer. When I’m flighty and easily distracted by things that have no place in my heart.

You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same.

Not begrudgingly, because you kind of have to since you’re God and all. Not as a second thought, after you welcome all the “good” people. You love me, who I am right now. Not under the condition that I finally get my head out of my ass. You love me before I even have the chance to come and express my gratitude, or flippantly brush it off – whichever my wayward heart decides to do that day.
But that’s the point. It’s not dependent on anything. I’ve heard the story a thousand times. But recently, I’ve come to listen to it differently.

“I dare you to trust that I love you just as you are, not as you should be. (Because none of us are as we should be.)”

Once my heart truly heard those words… I can’t explain the rush of joy that flooded in. But also, the sorrow for misconstruing it in my head all this time. That love… that wild, relentless, mysterious, crazy love… it’s completely unfathomable.

“Once you come to experience the love of Jesus Christ, nothing else in the world will seem beautiful or desirable.” – The Ragamuffin Gospel

This is my desire for each of you. Experience the love of Jesus. Incidentally, we have a place where you can do just that. You don’t have to travel on some crazy journey to “find” God. Just show up… he’ll meet you where you are.

If you’re looking for a place of love and acceptance and maybe just for a big hug, come to Pioneer. If you’re looking for renewal and a refreshing glimpse at the Love which used to captivate you, this place is for you. If you don’t know what you need, but you think that this can’t really hurt, give it a shot. If you think this is sounds cool for me but honestly a little crazy, come and prove me right. Because it is crazy. Friend, I assure you… the Love of God is madness!

~L'amour de Dieu est folie~

More than a Story

I got a tattoo yesterday.

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship." - Lousia May Alcott, Little Women

I used to be afraid of storms: the future ones and the damage from the past ones. The wreckage still stares me in the face because no one has cleaned it up. I think God offered, but I just gave Him a sad smile, and said, "How will anyone ever remember this tragedy if we don't have the rubble to stare us in the face every day?" I refused to let go, to forgive myself since He has forgiven me... to truly rest in the grace and peace of redemption. Never mind the fact that He wants me to keep moving. Anyways, I've realized: these storms, my scars, they make me imperfect and they make me "me." They are beautiful, because flaws and imperfections are beautiful. So now, I'm not afraid of the storms that are coming. They make me who I am. I will not be broken beyond repair, because of the One who carries me, and loves me, and forgives me, and rebuilds me. And cleans up my messes. He never goes away. And I am stronger and wiser (eventually) and more equipped to love Him and others because of all the shit I've been through. So, no. I'm not afraid of the storms anymore. Not the aftermath of the ones from yesterday, or the ones that are on the horizon. I'm learning this whole "life" thing, and my storms make me human. And it's beautiful.

The reason it's a tattoo is kind of similar. Yes, "my body is a temple." But some church buildings have graffiti on them, and God still abides there. Someone was telling me that it's like a three-year-old coloring on Picasso's paintings with a crayon. Our skin is beautiful, it's a creation. Why would we ruin perfection? But... that's not me. I have scars. And I don't want them to just be on the inside. I don't want to be fooling anyone, normal and flawless on the outside, but tattered on the inside. I want to be transparent. I want to be physically imperfect. And especially, I want to love my physical "imperfection" the way that God loves me, with all my blemishes. He loves me with my flaws. And I want my body to represent that.

So that's it. That's why it's permanently going on my body, penetrating my skin with the needles the way that the Spirit penetrates my heart, "with groanings too deep for words." It's so much more than a story. More than pretty words on paper about how God rescued me.

Because... it isn't pretty. It's actually really, really messy. And ugly. And definitely not a "one and done" deal. The words on my body stay there, reminding me. Even when the pain subsides, the words are still there. "Remember where you were. Remember what He did. Remember His love - in spite of your weakness."

There is a Disconnect

...between an emphasis on the law, and on love. Both are important, yes, but the extreme of either is dangerous.

Pharisees focused on the law, and it hindered their ability to love others, or even accept who Jesus was. Then there's the progressive, modern view that accepts everyone, no matter what... including their sins, without ever giving biblical counsel. "Loving" unconditionally turns into accepting their sins - which isn't conducive either.

The law is important.. but so is love? How do I truly love someone, seeing them as my neighbor and how Jesus did - forgiven - without overlooking the importance of the calling to a holy life? What does this apply to?

I think its that loving others comes first, because Jesus set the example on that one. If we truly love them, maybe we can show them what the Bible says about sin and a holy life, but God is the one who convicts, not us. We can be honest with them, but condemning or convicting is not something that is our job, or should come in the way of our love for them.

In the gospels, if I'm not mistaken, those who come to Jesus had already felt the sting of conviction. Jesus didn't look at them and say, "You're a dirty, rotten, ugly sinner, and you're lost without me so you'd better come running!" No. He said, "Your sins are forgiven." They already knew that He was their only hope. They already knew they were wrong. Jesus simply loved.

So what do we do? Sit here waiting for the broken to come to us? Pray fervently for God's judgement to rain down so that people get scared into turning to Christ? Hang out with sinners so they know that we're not too self-righteous? First of all, the Pharisees said, "He eats with sinners and tax collectors." Jesus said, "I eat with friends."

I don't know what we're supposed to do. I don't have the answer. I do think it takes a lot of prayer, though. And I think that we need to focus on our own 'holiness,' both individually and within the church, and to befriend others - to show love. We (I) need to trust that God will take care of everything, will show us when to speak, and when to embrace.

"God judges. The Holy Spirit convicts. We are to love. Too many Christians try to do all three." - Billy Graham



End: Doesn't it all go back to trust? Do I trust that the Holy Spirit will do the work in their heart, without me shouting out commentary on the sidelines? My job is to love. To be the body of Christ.

To read a more thoroughly articulated post on the sentiments I express here, see this article, "In Search of a Better Gospel," by Micah J. Murray.

Rebuilt

I give, and I take away.

What I have the power to take, I also have the power to give back. That doesn't mean that I will. Just live what you believe: in My sovereignty.

If I hadn't taken this, you wouldn't see the situation for what it really is. Trust Me.

I love you. I want the best life possible for you. I want you to wrestle with questions instead of being pressured into feeling like you should have the answers. I want you to go into battle with the idea of who I Am, and come out stronger on the other side.

The time will come. I have heard your prayer. Let go of your timing. Let it go. It would have sucked anyway.

You are lost. you need me. You 'know' the right answer in your head, which makes it easier to arrive at your heart. But in the end, I do that anyway, so 'easy' is arbitrary.

Please just trust me.

Learn to do that.
Learn about yourself.
Learn about others.
Learn about Me!

You won't ever get this time back. Ever. This is your discovery time. Embrace it, pursue Me. Let me use you in others' lives, and I will do the same for you.

Don't get caught up in the misconception that there is no 'end goal.' The end goal is eternity, with Me. Not in this life. You won't find it here. You'll always have questions, more questions... and they will bring you closer to Me. They will mold you. They will create you.

Uncertainty is not bad. I welcome your doubts, your fears. I Am your Answer, I Am your Courage, I Am your Comfort.

I Am.

I never let you go.
I have redeemed you.
I have come for you.

Inspire

I sometimes get this sense of urgency when I think about how disconnected we are. When we hear that word, most people think that it's referring to the world - as in, we're disconnected from the world around us, due to the fast-paced nature of society, the pull of technology, and other sorts of the similar. But lately, I've felt as though most of us are actually disconnected from ourselves. We don't spend enough time in thought, or in full consciousness, being aware of the beautiful world around us.

Now, I'm not going onto this whole "be in tune with yourself and follow your heart to find true peace" thing. I think that a lot of people use that particular sentiment as a substitute for pursuing God. I don't claim to be fully in-tune with Him, but I do feel as though, if each of us is made uniquely in his image, we have a responsibility to embrace that. Embrace humanity, embrace individuality - because it is one of the many gifts given to us by our Creator. And, in all things, remember that He knows us better than we know ourselves. He is constantly molding and shaping us into a purer version of ourselves, to be perfected in eternity... and I don't want to waste any part of my life and graze over who exactly it is that He is making me.

I don't know what form this will take or how I will accomplish it exactly. I have a few ideas, but all I know for sure is that these past two years have flown by, and I can't remember to what end I have worked so hard. Basically, I don't want to waste life. I want to invest in the people around me, embrace myself, and pursue God. And while I know that only He can give me the power and resolve to do that, I do have a few things on my mind that I think everyone, especially me, should aim to include as part of their self-discovery/molding process.

Here's a few for the immediate present, and I'll add more later.

Reading. I love reading, and I almost never do it. It has partly to do with my schedule now, but I've made time recently, and I don't know why I didn't make adjustments sooner. I'm talking about classics, memoirs, adventure, scholarly articles, short stories, historical fiction (and nonfiction), works from other cultures, everything. I have a huge stack of books here (and an even larger one at home) of books on my "list." Reading stimulates your creative side, and challenges your beliefs. It enables you to consider other points of view (for example, the antiwar novel my sister gave me for my birthday... doesn't exactly align with my worldview, but I'm reading it to understand the minds of others). I think I can make time to read once a day, even if it's just a few pages.

Being outside. It's beautiful... any kind of weather is beautiful. Even right now, when it almost never gets above freezing and the sun doesn't come out for months. I miss sunshine, and I don't have to make an argument for being outside when the weather is nice, but even if it isn't, it still smells fresh, and makes snuggling up with a big blanket and a cup of hot tea that much more soothing when I get back inside.

Writing old-fashioned letters. I don't really have a texting problem, because I get bored (haha), but I want to write more letters. Writing helps me to really think about what I'm trying to communicate to the person (who I probably haven't seen in a while and deserves my undivided attention instead of whatever half-hearted message I would send otherwise), and it requires focus. In the age of the internet and technology, our attention spans are dwindling (I'll do another post on this later), and this, along with everything else here, can help to combat that.

And that's all for now... it may seem simple or strange or maybe even typical - I don't want this to be another get-off-the-computer-and-go-do-something post. But it's a start for me, and hopefully for you.

Also, here's a song my roommate showed me this morning that made me feel inspired and ambitious. Enjoy :)

Guns

Here's some stuff I've stumbled across recently. I don't think that there's a right or wrong answer to this issue; I know that I have an opinion about it, but everyone's opinion will be different based on the encounters that they've had and the things they have experienced. For those who have this decision in their hands, it is their job to come to a conclusion about it. For the rest of us, it's important to form our own definite opinion based on personal beliefs, and to be able to think critically and listen openly to the opinions of others.

Here, a man who's children were directly affected by the Sandy Hook incident advocates for his own right to keep his guns - and let others in his town do the same.

Additionally, here's an article about the worst school-wide massacre in American records (that turned out to be only half as deadly as it should have been, due to plan malfunctions).

I know what I believe, but I'm genuinely curious about other people's opinions and why they have them.

Also - was anyone else a bit disturbed by the use of the Sandy Hook kids during the Super Bowl, to evoke nation-wide emotion and gain viewers for the media? Disguised as an act of kindness and opportunity to young children who had been through life-changing, traumatizing circumstances? Just my initial reaction.

Mercy

There's been so much sadness and hatred going around lately, especially up here where cynicism is at its finest. In a matter of days, we've heard about the Sandy shooting where almost 20 little children were murdered, and also, found out that Westboro Baptist Church is going to be picketing at the gate in January.

Yes, both of these events are horrible things to hear about and it's unfathomable to us how they occur. Yes, my initial reaction is to want to give them a piece of my mind, just like everyone else.

But ultimately, they just break my heart. Because the families who lost their children are going to be having a very different Christmas than I will. I honestly can't imagine what they are going through, and tears that I shed have no comparison to the grief that they feel. The ones in WBC... I sorrow for them as well, because they have no love. Their actions are not rooted in love. They have no idea what they are doing.

Sometimes I just look up and scream, how could this happen?! How could they do this? Any of them?

But then I remember that the same could be said about me. The many times I've not acted in love, or turned away from the One who gives me the capacity to have such love.

He died for them too. He died for the children and their families. He died for the shooters. He died for the lost people who completely miss the point of what He did for them and claim to be of Him.

Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.

And be with those who are affected by these horrible events, and give them grace to eventually see past it.

Vessels.

We are vessels that the Lord uses to accomplish His work. That's what this post is about.

Although, I never really liked the word "vessel." Reminds me of blood. But that's just because I'm into science and stuff. It could also be a boat. 

Anyways, so I was completely caught off-guard by the advice of a 14-year-old tonight. We were just at Starbucks, having coffee after youth group. I took her out because I felt like maybe I could encourage her in some things, and reach out to her. (Irony.) We were talking about homeschooling vs. public schooling, and how she felt about possibly going to a public high school next year after being homeschooled her entire life. I asked her if she was nervous at all, and she said yeah. After all, it wasn't just high school that was going to be new, but public school as well... all thrown her way at once. I was able to offer some advice, having done both myself, and then I went into how I was definitely nervous about West Point next year. I told her how I was plagued with fear, about silly things like failing my classes, or not enjoying it once I got there. She sat there for a moment, and then says, "So I'm really bad at giving advice, but like, you have to just continue the journey in the zeal that you started it with." And right away, like 5 verses popped into my head (Romans 12:11) and we talked about them... but I almost couldn't even talk because of the profoundness of what she had just said. Her comment carried so much wisdom, and was exactly what I needed to hear, and she didn't even know it. And I thought I was going to be the one helping her! So that got me to thinking... how many times have I said something that affected someone else, without even realizing it?

And, more importantly... how should that affect how I interact with people? I mean, we never know who is watching. And this isn't the first time this has happened; God uses people in my life constantly. But am I ready and available for Him to use me? Do I pray for Him to speak through me? Just something to think about...

But isn't it cool that He uses us, even when we're unaware of it? He uses us even when we don't ask Him to, even when our motives are flawed. Even when our hearts are selfish (aka always). That doesn't stop Him from accomplishing His perfect will in us, and likewise in the Kingdom.

And in that moment You opened up the heavens
To the broken the beggar and the thief
Lifted out of the wreckage
I find hope in the aftermath

-Aftermath, Hillsong United